We never saw it coming. It striked us like a bolt of lightning. we cried and frowned; some of us even puked. The halls felt emptier, and the room was filled with tears. Walking in the door was like walking into a room full of ghosts, he was there with us but physically he was not.
Beep! Beep ! I woke up and like always I immediately checked my phone. Nicole had texted and called me numerous times. I quickly called her to see what was wrong. She answered and she made sure I was sitting still. I told her I was and then I asked her what’s going on. “Ryan Diaz committed suicide last night.” those were the words that came out of her mouth. I was stunned. I replied to her statement with “what??” and she told me again. A few little tears slipped from my eyes, I asked her what we were supposed to do. She said there’s nothing we can do. I told her I would text her and I hung up the phone. I cried harder than I already was, and I threw up. I called Scotty, and david. They already knew and they confirmed it. I got on the bus and I made sure robert had heard about the news. he did. It was broadcasted all over Facebook as well.
I walked into door a and All of Ryan’s friends were there. All of them. When I walked in I noticed that there was an empty feeling. I knew he was there with me but I also knew he wasn’t . I saw Sierra and a few tears fell from my eyes. Then I saw Scotty , and Kyle and the other Kyle and everyone kept hugging me so I lost it. I started crying so hard almost to the point where I was screaming. The teachers saw I was crying and they made me go to one of the conference rooms to talk. When I got there only a few of ryans friends were there, but as time went on, anybody who knew ryan was pretty much in that room. We were all crying and hugging each other . Even if there were two people on that room that didn’t get along before, they did now. We made a poster for ryans family and we all told stories of good memories of him.
The majority of the people in that room went home that day. I went home with Nicole, I was too afraid to be alone. I cried the whole way to her house. Her parents were really supportive and they understood what we were going through. I told my parents and they told me they were sorry but nothing more was really said about it.
I remember thinking back to the lunches we have had together over he years. I noticed that things did seem strange and different with him but I didn’t really bother to ask. Who knows what was going on in his head. He hid is pain from all of us, he didn’t know we were there to help. I remember feeling regret and guilt. I felt like if I had asked him what was wrong that maybe he could have survived another day, even another year. I never bothered to check up on him no mater how many times he checked on me….
Towards the end of freshman year Sierra and I had started to talk a little but of crap about ryAn behind his back… We also started to not like him because. Of the way he kept acting.. He wasn’t acting like his usual self. And I guess now I know why. He obviously had something wrong with him that he didn’t want anyone to know bout. I do regret saying the things I said about him… I’m sorry Ryan. As this year started I realized that ryan was the same old Ryan. And it was probably me that was acting different. I never expected him to end his life….
I would give anything if I could just go back and tell him I’m sorry. I want to ask him if hes okay. I want to call him and tell him I love him and I miss him but I know I can’t…. If only I could see him one last time maybe that would change how I feel about all of this now… Or maybe it wouldn’t.. I don’t know. I just miss him.
To this day the hallways feel emptier. During lunch my table is quieter. Things are really different. I didn’t even see him everyday but I can feel a huge difference in the Halls and the classrooms. He made a huge impact on my life and anybody else’s life that he knew.